Seeking Clarity

You will be lost and unlost, over and over again, relax love. You were meant to be this glorious. epic. story.

-          Nayyirah Waheed

I have lost trust in planning. I find myself moving away from the logistical Olympics of the cerebral variety – plotting moves from A to B to C in the future – and towards deep gut knowledge instead - that intuitive understanding of what is true for me in the moment. Cerebral knowledge is chatty and confusing - distracting at best and judgmental at its worst. Gut knowledge is certain and loud in its truth but incredibly silent in its communication.

Alongside this shift comes the need to trust that the pieces and pathways will make sense in retrospect. So long as I am attentive to that internal compass of yes and no within.

As I explore this shift, I find myself questioning why I so easily choose to ignore what I know to be true. Why is it that I know what my heart wants and needs to be happy and so consistently choose to deny it? How have I learned to do this?

Perhaps it is a function of a gendered culture? Or beyond that, a function of a culture that associates the prioritization of one’s happiness with an inability to attain and achieve along a prescribed life path. Or assumes that one’s happiness is the prioritization of attainment and achievement. What would the world look like if we each pursued a life of “aliveness,” deeply listening and following that which we know sparks an internal light and magic, irrespective of its ultimate tangible yields?

Or perhaps it is a function of the prioritization of cerebral knowledge – with Western, rational and masculine connotations – over gut knowledge that is intense, mystical and brilliant in its feminine power?

Or perhaps it is something simpler than that. Perhaps gut knowledge guides our happiness and happiness scares us? What is it about the possibility of our own happiness that is so terrifying?  The pursuit of that which makes you feel truly alive surely means a journey of honesty, individuality and divergence - often a rejection of imposed expectations. It takes courage, and courage is not always found.

Whatever the cause, my path now is to make space to listen to that gut knowledge. And to unlearn that almost instinctual tendency to ignore what my heart knows to be true in favor of what my mind thinks is true. It will be a glorious, epic story.